LBsquared

       as always, i will start by saying that although the boys were not planned, i never regret the fact that i had them.  they hands down give my life meaning each and every day.  that being said… .

i miss my boyfriend.  yes, technically he is here, but i miss the way we were before we had children.  don’t get me wrong, seeing him be a father to our children has made me love him in a way that is so much more intimate that i have ever experienced.  knowing that he and i together created something, two things, so completely perfect, and that through them we will always be together in some way, is a staggering thought to me.  but we are different. 

he doesn’t throw me up against the wall and fuck me anymore.  we don’t have sex much at all for that matter, and i know so much of it is because we live opposite lives.  i am up early taking care of the boys, he is out late working as a bartender.  we are literally probably in bed at the same time about 12 hours a week.  that’s tough to work with, but if i’m being honest with myself i know that’s not the only reason.  parenthood has made us both change.  the truth is i resent him sometimes even though i shouldn’t.  i resent the fact that he is out there living his life every day, and i am home, and even though i LOVE being able to take care of the boys, i’m lonely.  i am so so lonely it consumes me sometimes.  i know this makes me clingy because i am just so DESPERATE for adult interaction, and i feel how it suffocates him.  i’ve also lost so much of my self confidence.  i feel strange in this new body which feels so flabby and unattractive.  i feel strange in this new role in life, and haven’t quite figured out where I am in any of it.  i feel like i have no life outside of this family, and it makes me feel boring and bored and disjointed from how i used to see myself.  i feel like he doesn’t understand any of what i’m going through, but worse i feel like he doesn’t always try to understand.

i know these changes in me have led to changes in him.  i know he doesn’t see me as the dynamic, edgy person he fell in love with.  i know he thinks i’ve gotten more uptight (which i have).  honestly, i wouldn’t want to hang out with me sometimes.  i know he sees me as a mom now, which must change something.  i just feel like nobody on here talks about this.  are your relationships all the same as they were before the babies?  is it just me?  i just don’t know how to break out of this funk that i’ve been battling, and how to get back some of that spark that this new life seems to have taken from us.  i love him so fucking much, and i just want so much for us to be able to connect the way that we used to.