LBsquared

so i have tried many times over the last few months to figure out how i wanted to talk about my struggles with post partum depression.  i would think of a million things i wanted to say as i went about my day, but as soon as i sat down at the computer i would draw a blank.  i guess im just going to start in the middle, and i hope that it can help somebody out there in tumblr-land feel like they are not alone.

i have had a history of depression and anxiety.  both my parents take medication, and i was on and off it throughout high school.  as my pregnancy progressed i began to really worry that i was a prime candidate for PPD, so i was pleasantly surprised when the first couple of weeks left me feeling great.  then, all of a sudden, BAM.  i was miserable.  now i have to start out by saying that i never felt like i wanted to harm myself or my children, but the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness was completely overwhelming.  i would sit in my house and weep daily.  i felt like i would never be able to leave the house again and live any sort of normal life.  i felt like i had lost everything that made me ME, and that i was just becoming some blah version of my former self.  i felt more  alone than i have ever felt in my entire life.

there are a lot of factors that contributed to this.  the obvious one was my hormones.  they had gone crazy and had no plans of evening out any time soon.  but it was more than that.  i had been living a very carefree lifestyle before i got pregnant.  i was dating a bartender for pete’s sake, and i would stay at the bar with him till closing then drink more, sometimes not coming home till 7am.  i had not been trying to get pregnant, and i had CERTAINLY not been expecting to be having twins.  the thing is, it wasn’t that i missed the going out and partying per se, it just felt like suddenly i was completely cut off from everything that was familiar to me.  all my friends were still living that lifestyle, and even harder to handle, so was Jamie.  that isn’t to say he was out partying, but he works in a bar so he comes home late and he sees lots of people while working, and i resented him for that.  not only that but just as the babies were born he was opening up his own bar, so that took a lot of his attention and energy too.  i felt like my life had totally changed, and nobody could relate to me.  i also had two premature babies born in the beginning of winter, and i had been instructed to not bring them out of the house.  put this all together and i just hit rock bottom.  

i can honestly say those first few months are a blur to me now.  they were a combination of overwhelming joy and love for my sons who i instantly adored, and loneliness and sadness because i felt very much alone.  oh, and i was also EXHAUSTED by the way, which didn’t help anyone or anything.

the point of all this?  it got better.  as time passed and my hormones began to level off, i felt better.  as the temperature rose and i was able to bring the boys out into the world and actually leave the house, i felt better.  as i was put on medication to help me the rest of the way, i felt better.  now, here i am seven months later, and i am in such a different place.  i LOVE being a mother, and although i still don’t really have any mommy friends who can really appreciate what my life is like now, my boys can actually interact with me so i never really feel alone.  i guess i just want to make sure that any new mothers, or not so new mothers, know that it’s completely okay to feel off or sad or down after you give birth.  it doesn’t make you a bad person.  just have faith that if you actively take steps to get yourself to a better place, you’ll get there.  and everything won’t seem so scary anymore.  and although i will never forget that time in my life or how foggy and hopeless it felt, it makes me appreciate how much better i’m feeling today.  take care of yourselves ladies, and never forget what an amazing job you are doing.

end rant.