All in all I’m really proud of myself for how well I’m handling everything. I make it through whole days sometimes without crying. I’ve figured out a way to go back to school in september. I can actually get out of bed every day, when I thought I’d be crumpled on the floor. I guess the boys have made me be strong in ways I didn’t think I’d be able to be.
But then I have nights like this, when I sit pouring over old pictures of us and I just fall apart. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I love this man, but he doesn’t love me back. I never knew what that felt like till now. And I see him often and we are so unbelievably civil, but it’s so hard. I see his face and I want to scream what went wrong! But of course that’s pointless, and I just don’t know how to get over him when he’s going to remain such a big part of my life. And why doesn’t he love me, dammit?!?? I’m sorry I know I’m rambling and not making sense and I’m sure I’ll delete this tomorrow.